The Profile

Sorry for the white noise the past couple of days, chickens. This girl bailed on life and headed down to the beach...rejuvenation. 

So let's get started
 ( I have a lot to tell y'all and I haven't decided yet if I should break it up into sepearte posts or just one....be patient.. )

Last Sunday night, I caved and signed up for match dot com. (insert scared face here) 
  Seriously, friends, let's hold hands and get real for a second.... dim the lights...cue the organ..wave the incense...that is scary and weird...and I know you are nodding your head in agreement right now...but open your hearts and minds, ask your friend Jesus(or whoever..Santa Claus) to send me some of that holy magic....and strap on your seat belts... because this shit is happening. And I  really need y'all at my side while I humiliate myself and poor innocent men all over the world wide web...all together now...AMEN.
 (a little motivational speech on a Saturday morning.)

 ----------------------------

 So..just like you...
 I have made fun of people who online date since the AOL chat room "a/s/l" days.. ( shut up..you know you did it too) I've always felt that online dating was for losers... who don't know how to be social in real life, so they need the comfort of the computer screen between them and the opposite sex.( or same sex...ain't no shame in your game around these parts! ) So it was momentarily depressing when I entered in my email, password, and created a username...."you are officially an old loser who can't socialize or meet a guy in real life because your an absolute nut case and all that's left out there are freaks and geeks on the interwebs..." see..depressing thoughts.

But all of that sad shit got wiped away the moment that I realized match dot com is a fantastic combination of my two most favorite things.. (no, not cats and rumpleminze)

ONLINE SHOPPING & GUYS!

 I repeat....it is a website where you online shop for GUYS. Brilliant!!

 (I feel ya, sista ^^)
___________________________________________________________________________

So, let's rewind....it's Sunday and I'm holding back the tears, and hiding the sharp objects from myself, as I sign up for a mother effing dating website...and the process begins with a series of multiple choice questions about myself. Which, right away is easing my mind because the answer is somewhere on the page..and I only have to do minimal thinking.

i.e: the basics- age, location, seeking "men", in 'x' amount of distance from your location (you can say 20 miles or 6 million miles...depending on how desperate you are...I went with 30..and not because I'm not desperate enough to look for a single man on Pluto, but because I'm not financially responsible enough to afford gas to get me any further than 30 miles. duh.)
     Anyways, then it goes into...relationship status (as in divorced, never married, currently separated) have kids? want kids? ethnicity? body type? height? faith? smoke? drink?
 (so at this point I'm cruising right along...except for the body type question..because what kind of question is that? the options are like "slender, athletic and toned, about average, and fat ass".....uhh....well...I went with slender...because I wish I was slender so that kinda counts..and I am not clicking the "chubby" option..even though it's true)

Then the questions progress into interests...where you have the option of selecting things such as, Coffee and Conversation, Cooking, Dinning Out, Watching Sports, Wine Tasting...etc etc...then on to sports and exercise....which, get real... I don't do either.... so I just selected the sports and exercise that I think are fun to watch on tv....and that provide for the best looking man candy.

then the question about pets.....oh fuck....(should I go ahead and let all of the potential husbands know ahead of time that I collect cats or do I save that fun little surprise for later?) Yeah, I'll save it for later. Continue on, exercise habits? (HAHA...) Political views..Sign..What I do for fun...Favorite Hot spots..Favorite things..and Last read....(I leave all of these blank because they are not multiple choice and ain't no body got time for that...)

Then match throws me a curve ball... "About Me & Who I'm Looking For..in 200 characters or more" The stupid website doesn't let me skip this portion of the profile so I have to bust out my thinking cap and type some nonsense...

"Looking for a normal guy who is funny and likes animals. Is it too much to ask that you get along with my friends and enjoy drinking beer on a patio outside? Preferably you are educated and can challenge me when I am difficult. I am a nursing student so helping other people is a passion of mine."

Pretty straight forward and simple. I refrained myself from saying things like... "I want you to give me all of your money and do what ever I say while I lay in a bubble bath eating chips and drinking champagne" ...because, ladies, you have to lure the penis in before you can grab it by the balls and make it your bitch...we all know that much.

Moving on,

Match seriously has a question about income.....(y'all know I'm a student, right? I have no income...I eat ramen noodles and stick quarters into fancy machines that spit out hot fries and poptarts....) So..obviously, I didn't answer that question...ain't no way in hell I'm selecting the "less than $25,000" button. um no. But, understand that I will most definitely be judging guys on their income...we can't both be poor...imagine what our dates would consist of...playing outside in the mud followed by coupon clipping? eff. that.

 I have to answer appearance questions about height, hair color, eye color, all of the fluff questions...because we humans are shallow, and like for our prey to induce salivation and palpitations..prior to suffering through a conversation and bad jokes.

 Then I have to upload pictures... I pick normal pictures where I am not hammered, half naked, smoking, dancing, or fat. And ta-da! Profile is complete.

Now the fun part, what I am looking for in a man. So basically now, I get to answer all of the same multiple choice questions, except in reference to the guy. Easy Breezy... The final summary looks like this:

Height: 5'10-6'3
Age: 26-32
Body Type: About Average, Athletic and toned (lol)
Eyes: No preference
Hair: Black, Light Brown, Dark Brown, Blonde (I lied about the blonde thing....I don't trust a grown ass man with blonde hair....but I felt guilty leaving them and the gingers out)
Smoke: No answer
Drink: Social Drinker, Moderately
Occupation: No answer (read: Doctor, Lawyer, Professional Athlete, Rich)
Income: No answer (y'all know I'm silently judging)
Relationship: Never Married
Have Kids: No
Want Kids: Definitely, Someday, Not Sure
Ethnicity: White/Caucasian (and anyone with an accent)
Faith: No answer (preferably you are not Atheist, in a cult, or Mormon)
Language: English, Spanish, Portuguese, Italian, French (no really, I like a man who I can barely communicate with)
Education: Associates Degree, Bachelors Degree, Graduate Degree, PhD/Post Doctural


So basically, all of that translates to...

I want that, match dot com, I want that.

So now, I am completely done answering questions and it's free-for-all browsing time. But it was late, and I was tired...so I logged off and went to sleep. What I woke up to the next morning was sheer insanity...but that is a story for next time.

....

What I want to do here...is put down my online-dating rules...into words...that y'all can hold me accountable for...there needs to be some structure or else I get weird and wild real fucking quick.

(what would happen if I was left alone in this)
Official
Rules:

1. Be picky, judgmental, and irrational while on match. I do not have the time to waste on men I know off the bat are not my type. Also, if I am not hyper-judgy I could potentially wind up on a date with someone who is not who they said they were....which leads me to Rule #2

2. Do not meet strangers in real life at places that are not public....because you will get AIDS and die.

3. If actually meeting someone in real life, at least 3 friends need to be aware of the location, time, and be communicating with me throughout the date, as well as, post-date to ensure that I am still alive.

4. Before committing to a date, we must exchange phone numbers and text/talk for a few days prior so that I can have a better feel for who he is. (now I'm not saying text all day every day, but a few times so that I can judge a little more)

5. Preferably, I would like to be able to find him on facebook  (which I know goes against what I said that other time about not facebook stalking...but this is for pure safety reasons...and only a little for stalking reasons)

6. NO SEX...its sad I need to make this a rule....but yeah. No sex

Which goes along with Rule # 7..


7. No getting hammered on first date (this is going to be really hard for me to follow...so I can only promise not to on date number one)

8. Have money with me on dates so that I can pay for myself, if that needs to be the case. (which, call me old-fashioned...but a guy should pay for a date and not expect sex in return...I don't exchange food for sex...if he wants to show up with a Chanel bag...then maybe we'd have an offer...but until then...buy my beer and shut up about it...just kidding...) 

that's all I can come up with....basically I want to try to act like myself as much as possible in the beginning so that I wont have to do much explaining later on..

--any more rules you think are necessary? let me know--



 ......so stay tuned....the 'here-are-all-of-the-single men' fairy just exploded in my inbox and i will need your help sorting through the good and the bad...and I promise you....there have been both.

Also, I have a date planned for Thursday...this should be good

-Riss
 

The Engineer

Good day, chickees!

Believe it or not, I rallied up the courage to attempt another first date..status-post med student debacle. (pray for me jesus) Not by my own accord though. The date happened thanks to a few girlfriends who pushed me off the cliff and reminded me that I am brave, I am capable, I am an adult...and, most importantly, I have nothing to lose by saying 'yes'...

A group of beautiful, funny, wild girlfriends and myself were out on the town that Tuesday night to celebrate a birthday. We were congregated in a dark corner over a table covered in rumpleminze shots and party flare when a pack of penis' approached us. (Single girl + group of men = throwing a bone to a wild animal....delightful and horrendous all at once)

Immediately the vibe changes. I am all smiles, eyelashes flapping, hair swinging...maybe a little over the top...but whatev...there are real live boys and I am feeling drunk!

The night continues on...liquor flowing, girls passed out in bars, people puking in the streets, missing shoes...the typical behaviors of women in their late 20's...you get the picture...shit was awesome. And I was wrapped up in drunken love-land with my new husband. (because let's be honest...once you're past the age of 25 and still single...every man you talk to is a potential husband...sads.) Me and this fine new gentleman had the best of time cheersin' miller lites, holding up my passed out friend, making small talk, and instagraming (is this a verb?) our future 'save the date' pictures. (he didn't know at the time that I had already planned to use photos from that night for our future save the dates...and that our wedding colors would be mint green...and that all of the drunk girls out that night would be making speeches about how magical our first encounter was at our wedding..and that our first dance would be to some '90s song we raged to at Coglin's...see how crazy my girl brain is?)

anyways, let's focus....I met a relatively good-looking guy, who tolerated a shit-show performance by my friends, has a master's degree in Engineering from a pretentious University ($$$), and didn't flinch when I immediately told him "I have tattoos, sometimes I smoke, my bra and panties do not match, and I am psycho" (look I was still in pain from the med student...). We exchange phone numbers and that is that.

A few days later Mr.Engineer shoots me a text, a cute..witty..semi-dorky text:
"Your mission is to come.....to City Beverage in Durham, tomorrow at 7. And be ready to have fun"

....so that is cute, right? I accept...after, like I said,....being peer-pressured by my friends...because to be honest...once I sobered up... I was rather hesitant about going out with another stranger who could potentially sucker punch my ego and/or chain me up in a basement somewhere Amanda Berry style.. (too soon?) 

Fast forward to 7pm sharp....I am standing outside the restaurant/bar...when Mr. Engineer walks up and immediately I understand the magical workings of 'drunk goggles.' That really awesome, cute guy I thought I met was actually Corey Matthews from Boy Meets World....

Which....hell, Corey Matthews, I'm average too....but I don't show up to dates wearing 1992 tennis shoes and a flannel button up...that isn't buttoned up....but no one asked me.

Right off the bat I am in physical pain because I hate looking at him. I know that sounds so horribly awful but it actually hurts my eyes when I have to look at this big cheesy grin and horrible shoes for longer than 4.6 seconds. But I calm myself down and just gooo wiithhh the floowww....(this is hard for me). I also, right off the bat, tell him that I have plans of meeting friends downtown that night at 10pm..so that he would know that this date would end here. There will be no drunken sex, there will be no anything. Date terminated from the beginning....I was being proactive! Go Me!

We take a seat at a table and it's all weird and I feel like a nervous idiot so I fumble around and try to order alcohol as soon as humanly possible...which I do. You know what else I do, I judge guys on what they order to drink. This actually is a deal breaker for me and typically I like to order my drink first to set the bar so that he can gauge where to go from there. I go straight for a double IPA because I am not playin around here...I am sitting across the table from Mr.Feeny's neighbor and I need to be properly sedated for this. He proceeds to order....a....mother effing cider. MMMM, I love cider!!!! But I also shed my uterus lining once a month and I think that The Notebook is a great movie. So, I am judging right now. Hard core.

Beers arrive, and I'm still therapeutically talking to the voices in my head, encouraging them to stay calm and be open to whatever the fuck could blossom from this nightmare...

"So, Marissa, Tell me...when was the last time you felt really comfortable?"

(uhhhh...................)

......
.........
..........

no really....what...did...you..just...ask...me? when was the last time I felt comfortable? how about that night when i blacked out on rumpleminze in my bed, with all of my cats, and a bag of empty chips under my pillow? that was comfortable, weirdo.

"So, Marissa, tell me about what you like to do for adventure?"

I excuse myself to the bathroom and I sit down in a chair and I just close my eyes...I open my eyes, look up to the heavens...and I shed a single tear...for my life..


"So, Marissa, (Honest to God, he started every statement this way) are you financially responsible? I can't date a girl who isn't financially responsible"

AM I FINANCIALLY RESPONSIBLE? ARE YOU SERIOUSLY ASKING ME THIS ON A FIRST DATE? ARE YOU A FUCKING IDIOT? WHO ARE YOU? WHO ARE YOUR PARENTS? I WOULD LIKE TO MEET YOUR MOTHER AND KARATE CHOP HER IN THE FACE FOR RAISING SUCH A FUCKING WEIRDO, LAME SON....so, being the sarcastic biotch that I am I respond with...

"I like to spend money...and I like guys with money, that's financially responsible..."


"Yeah, but you don't spend more money than you have, right?"

"Oh of course, if I had to pick between buying shoes and food, I would pick shoes."

...heh

___

at this point I am ready to go. fast....down I-40...far far away from this. I am so uncomfortable it hurts. I had physical symptoms of pain in response to this conversation that wouldn't ever stop.

The check comes and he kindly pays for it and suggests that we go to the bar side of the joint and shoot pool....I am sometimes, shockingly, polite so I agree. We go around and he states.. "you buy the beers because I just had to pay for the food" (umm...actually you didn't have too...and don't tell me what to do...and I would have bought the beers anyways because I'm a down ass bitch like that...and the judging continues..)

When I say that we played pool....I mean we played pool. As in a fucking game of pool. Like I was one of his nerdy ass, computer coding, mathematics loving guy friends... It was not cute, or flirty...he didn't make me laugh or try to 'teach' me how to play. (which ps...the med student the week before had already taught me how to play pool...so at least I was prepared)

It was lame. It was boring...and I beat him. I beat his ass at pool and it was shameful, and I was happy because It was time to dip the hell out. I chug my beer and explain to him that I needed to head on out down the road to meet my friends...like I warned him...

"I mean, do you have to meet your friends or do you want to meet your friends? I was thinking you could come back to my place and watch a movie"

(I would rather drown in bile than go to his house and watch a movie)

Look here, buddy....I told you. So I finally (!!!!) make my way out of the restaurant and he then flippin asks me to drive him across the street to wear he is parked. (why can't this date just END!!!!!!)  I say yes, because I am not that big of an asshole (haha, yeah I am..)

We pull up to his car...and the sneaky goon pop kisses me. But in slow motion....with these big, sloppy, platypus lips...coming at me...I tried to turn my face quickly...but didn't quite make it so he got half my mouth and a lot of cheek. It was revolting. And it looked just like this....

....................................................................................................................


Needless to say, my friends, there hasn't been a second date. And I don't quite know where to find the silver-lining in this experience...it was fucking horrible.

I guess...what I learned from this experience:

1. The more first dates you go on, the better practice you have.
2. Drunk goggles are tricky mother fuckers.
3. Corey Matthews is a freak.
4. My bank account has like $8.00 in it, so I therefore am not financially responsible
5. Bring wet naps, towels, and antibacterial spray with you on first dates...in case you get face raped in your car accidentally by an engineer in flannel.
6. I need to subscribe to match (dot) com....


-Riss
   




 



 

 

 

The Med Student

it was a lovely afternoon on the psychotic unit....

(okay..scratch that...first red flag....meeting a guy on a psychotic unit!?)

i was half way through orientation when the "do not enter" doors swung open..in slow motion...with a slight breeze...possibly there were fireworks and sparkles...and in walked this man...guy..(i don't like the word MAN..sounds dirty...so let's call him a guy..safe word)...this very handsome guy, wearing a tie...and a big, shiny smile..

so, maybe not literally this guy ^...but this is the image that my brain registered....and i liked it.

fast forward one week...

it was another lovely afternoon on the psychotic unit....(let's all shake our heads together now..)

and around the corner walks my future husband...(duh)..he walks straight up to me, sticks out his hand and introduces himself. (See now, this seems like a normal thing for adults to do, but I am not normal, therefore; I am more accustomed to being a few cocktails deep before mustering up the liquid courage to bat eyelashes and make small talk...) either way..it happened..and again..i liked it.

So, being the creep I am, I go on facebook that night (damn you, facebook) find the guy...and ask him to be my friend..... who does this? ME...I do this. Well, he accepts, and sends me a message (!!!!)

 it was as magical as winning the golden ticket to willy wonka's chocolate factory...

We eventually exchange phone numbers and begin doing the ultimate DO NOT DO before the first date....TEXT ALL DAY EVERY DAY!!

( listen here lady friends, i may know nothing about dating...i may be single forever....but i do know that texting all of your stuff before going out with a guy is a recipe for failure...
why?!?! why you ask?? because what fun is it to meet for a date when you already know everything about someone...sure it makes you feel more relaxed...sure..you like the fact that y'all have been text flirting and you've successfully stalked his entire facebook profile and any potential ex's and his mom's facebook too...but unfortunately doing that gives you a false perception of closeness...And this here false perception will then lead to the next DO NOT DO....have sex on the first date!! Just don't do it....do not text more than absolutely necessary. Do not tell him about your day and your breakfast and what your cat said to you that made you laugh...he doesn't need to know all of that yet...because he is a stranger. so, slow dowwwn...)

we make plans to go out for dinner and drinks on friday night and, suprisingly, the date goes seamlessly perfect. we laugh the entire time over dinner, realize we have a thing or two in common, make out. It was great...I left feeling even more giddy than before.

the next week he asks me to go out with him and some of his friends for a few drinks..this is huge. meeting a guy's friends is the best indicator of what this guy is all about...and let me tell you now...i learned a lot about what this guy is all about.

I walk into the bar where a group of 8 or so people (guys and girls) are hanging out on a patio. Immediately i can feel the awkward tension and the uncomfortable feeling of eight pairs of eyes staring at me...worst feeling ever.

He begins introducing people to me and going around the table informing me of who is who.."that's so and so and his girlfriend, and this is blah blah and his fiance and that...well that is the girl i've had a really big crush on, I used to like her a lot...." and i'm all like...

 

 i mean seriously....(red flag again!)...uncomfortable...but I just go with it...drink my beer...smile...

THEN...his friend looks at me and says "did you know that <redacted> lost his virginity 3 weeks ago?"

eeeeeerrrrrrrrrrrr.........everyone at the table, including my date, start laughing and not a single person feels that it is necessary to go on and explain anything...

(if i could go back and redo this scenario I would have left..not because home boy was just called out on maybe or maybe not losing his virginity 3 weeks ago, but because I was sitting at a table with a bunch of people who I don't know who were laughing at me basically and no one, most importantly the guy, felt the need to include me. but you know what, i didn't do that...because i am polite...and possibly stupid.)

we eventyally go back to his place with a few friends and the moment i get him alone i ask him about that comment. "oh well my friends were just giving me shit for loosing my virginity a year and a half ago.." (i literally felt my stomach drop...A YEAR AND A HALF AGO...wow! impressive..unusual...i must find out more information..)

"oohh wow...so wait, how many people have you slept with?" (why oh why did this question come out of my mouth....)

"you were 11"  (ELEVEN!!!!!!!!! ELEVEN!!!!!!!!! IN A YEAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!????)

"eleven....wow.."

"well, i didn't say i was proud of it...they were all drunk one night stands...they were cute and wanted to"

(go ahead and re-read that last sentence....read it again...and take a moment of silence to digest what this guy said to me....they were drunk and wanted to? wow...)

the conversation goes on and he begins to pick me apart (obviously a defense mechanism because i just called him out on being a slutty virgin with wish-washy morals....and i am awesome so i don't know how we could find anything bad to say about me...)

He mentions to me that the week before my bra and panties didn't match, then he discovers that I have tattoos and goes on to say "what does it say..insert here?"...he puts down my major claiming that it is easy which is why i am able to get an A, and then he says oh and i noticed that your car smells like smoke...(granted, this all was said over a course of a conversation...not just blatant put-down after put-down)

ha. ha. ha.

my insides literally hurt. my ego hurt. my feelings hurt. my awesome dream-land fantasy of our future together was shattered....it was a bad, bad feeling. I knew then that this wasn't going to go anywhere. How could it? He was shallow and mean..and I had already invested feelings and hopes...such an amateur move.  I left in shock, I remained in shock for quite some time...I told, and re-told the story to as many girlfriends that would listen. I declared that I would never go on another date again...but I got over that...and with any and all situations you have to find the silver-lining...how else will we single girls make it out alive?

so with that fluff...

What I took away from this experience is that:

A. you shouldn't text and facebook stalk a guy before a first date
B. you shouldn't get physical on the first date
C. you shouldn't have day dreams of grocery shopping and picking out wedding registry loot from william and sonoma with a guy you don't have a relationship with yet
D. someone needs to inform guys that us busy woman don't always have the time to match our bra and panties (seriously?!)
E. don't ever, ever, under any circumstances hang out with a guy who puts you down, judges you, and makes you feel sad about who you are..ever.


-Riss