The Engineer

Good day, chickees!

Believe it or not, I rallied up the courage to attempt another first date..status-post med student debacle. (pray for me jesus) Not by my own accord though. The date happened thanks to a few girlfriends who pushed me off the cliff and reminded me that I am brave, I am capable, I am an adult...and, most importantly, I have nothing to lose by saying 'yes'...

A group of beautiful, funny, wild girlfriends and myself were out on the town that Tuesday night to celebrate a birthday. We were congregated in a dark corner over a table covered in rumpleminze shots and party flare when a pack of penis' approached us. (Single girl + group of men = throwing a bone to a wild animal....delightful and horrendous all at once)

Immediately the vibe changes. I am all smiles, eyelashes flapping, hair swinging...maybe a little over the top...but whatev...there are real live boys and I am feeling drunk!

The night continues on...liquor flowing, girls passed out in bars, people puking in the streets, missing shoes...the typical behaviors of women in their late 20's...you get the picture...shit was awesome. And I was wrapped up in drunken love-land with my new husband. (because let's be honest...once you're past the age of 25 and still single...every man you talk to is a potential husband...sads.) Me and this fine new gentleman had the best of time cheersin' miller lites, holding up my passed out friend, making small talk, and instagraming (is this a verb?) our future 'save the date' pictures. (he didn't know at the time that I had already planned to use photos from that night for our future save the dates...and that our wedding colors would be mint green...and that all of the drunk girls out that night would be making speeches about how magical our first encounter was at our wedding..and that our first dance would be to some '90s song we raged to at Coglin's...see how crazy my girl brain is?)

anyways, let's focus....I met a relatively good-looking guy, who tolerated a shit-show performance by my friends, has a master's degree in Engineering from a pretentious University ($$$), and didn't flinch when I immediately told him "I have tattoos, sometimes I smoke, my bra and panties do not match, and I am psycho" (look I was still in pain from the med student...). We exchange phone numbers and that is that.

A few days later Mr.Engineer shoots me a text, a cute..witty..semi-dorky text:
"Your mission is to come.....to City Beverage in Durham, tomorrow at 7. And be ready to have fun"

....so that is cute, right? I accept...after, like I said,....being peer-pressured by my friends...because to be honest...once I sobered up... I was rather hesitant about going out with another stranger who could potentially sucker punch my ego and/or chain me up in a basement somewhere Amanda Berry style.. (too soon?) 

Fast forward to 7pm sharp....I am standing outside the restaurant/bar...when Mr. Engineer walks up and immediately I understand the magical workings of 'drunk goggles.' That really awesome, cute guy I thought I met was actually Corey Matthews from Boy Meets World....

Which....hell, Corey Matthews, I'm average too....but I don't show up to dates wearing 1992 tennis shoes and a flannel button up...that isn't buttoned up....but no one asked me.

Right off the bat I am in physical pain because I hate looking at him. I know that sounds so horribly awful but it actually hurts my eyes when I have to look at this big cheesy grin and horrible shoes for longer than 4.6 seconds. But I calm myself down and just gooo wiithhh the floowww....(this is hard for me). I also, right off the bat, tell him that I have plans of meeting friends downtown that night at 10pm..so that he would know that this date would end here. There will be no drunken sex, there will be no anything. Date terminated from the beginning....I was being proactive! Go Me!

We take a seat at a table and it's all weird and I feel like a nervous idiot so I fumble around and try to order alcohol as soon as humanly possible...which I do. You know what else I do, I judge guys on what they order to drink. This actually is a deal breaker for me and typically I like to order my drink first to set the bar so that he can gauge where to go from there. I go straight for a double IPA because I am not playin around here...I am sitting across the table from Mr.Feeny's neighbor and I need to be properly sedated for this. He proceeds to order....a....mother effing cider. MMMM, I love cider!!!! But I also shed my uterus lining once a month and I think that The Notebook is a great movie. So, I am judging right now. Hard core.

Beers arrive, and I'm still therapeutically talking to the voices in my head, encouraging them to stay calm and be open to whatever the fuck could blossom from this nightmare...

"So, Marissa, Tell me...when was the last time you felt really comfortable?"

(uhhhh...................)

......
.........
..........

no really....what...did...you..just...ask...me? when was the last time I felt comfortable? how about that night when i blacked out on rumpleminze in my bed, with all of my cats, and a bag of empty chips under my pillow? that was comfortable, weirdo.

"So, Marissa, tell me about what you like to do for adventure?"

I excuse myself to the bathroom and I sit down in a chair and I just close my eyes...I open my eyes, look up to the heavens...and I shed a single tear...for my life..


"So, Marissa, (Honest to God, he started every statement this way) are you financially responsible? I can't date a girl who isn't financially responsible"

AM I FINANCIALLY RESPONSIBLE? ARE YOU SERIOUSLY ASKING ME THIS ON A FIRST DATE? ARE YOU A FUCKING IDIOT? WHO ARE YOU? WHO ARE YOUR PARENTS? I WOULD LIKE TO MEET YOUR MOTHER AND KARATE CHOP HER IN THE FACE FOR RAISING SUCH A FUCKING WEIRDO, LAME SON....so, being the sarcastic biotch that I am I respond with...

"I like to spend money...and I like guys with money, that's financially responsible..."


"Yeah, but you don't spend more money than you have, right?"

"Oh of course, if I had to pick between buying shoes and food, I would pick shoes."

...heh

___

at this point I am ready to go. fast....down I-40...far far away from this. I am so uncomfortable it hurts. I had physical symptoms of pain in response to this conversation that wouldn't ever stop.

The check comes and he kindly pays for it and suggests that we go to the bar side of the joint and shoot pool....I am sometimes, shockingly, polite so I agree. We go around and he states.. "you buy the beers because I just had to pay for the food" (umm...actually you didn't have too...and don't tell me what to do...and I would have bought the beers anyways because I'm a down ass bitch like that...and the judging continues..)

When I say that we played pool....I mean we played pool. As in a fucking game of pool. Like I was one of his nerdy ass, computer coding, mathematics loving guy friends... It was not cute, or flirty...he didn't make me laugh or try to 'teach' me how to play. (which ps...the med student the week before had already taught me how to play pool...so at least I was prepared)

It was lame. It was boring...and I beat him. I beat his ass at pool and it was shameful, and I was happy because It was time to dip the hell out. I chug my beer and explain to him that I needed to head on out down the road to meet my friends...like I warned him...

"I mean, do you have to meet your friends or do you want to meet your friends? I was thinking you could come back to my place and watch a movie"

(I would rather drown in bile than go to his house and watch a movie)

Look here, buddy....I told you. So I finally (!!!!) make my way out of the restaurant and he then flippin asks me to drive him across the street to wear he is parked. (why can't this date just END!!!!!!)  I say yes, because I am not that big of an asshole (haha, yeah I am..)

We pull up to his car...and the sneaky goon pop kisses me. But in slow motion....with these big, sloppy, platypus lips...coming at me...I tried to turn my face quickly...but didn't quite make it so he got half my mouth and a lot of cheek. It was revolting. And it looked just like this....

....................................................................................................................


Needless to say, my friends, there hasn't been a second date. And I don't quite know where to find the silver-lining in this experience...it was fucking horrible.

I guess...what I learned from this experience:

1. The more first dates you go on, the better practice you have.
2. Drunk goggles are tricky mother fuckers.
3. Corey Matthews is a freak.
4. My bank account has like $8.00 in it, so I therefore am not financially responsible
5. Bring wet naps, towels, and antibacterial spray with you on first dates...in case you get face raped in your car accidentally by an engineer in flannel.
6. I need to subscribe to match (dot) com....


-Riss
   




 



 

 

 

The Med Student

it was a lovely afternoon on the psychotic unit....

(okay..scratch that...first red flag....meeting a guy on a psychotic unit!?)

i was half way through orientation when the "do not enter" doors swung open..in slow motion...with a slight breeze...possibly there were fireworks and sparkles...and in walked this man...guy..(i don't like the word MAN..sounds dirty...so let's call him a guy..safe word)...this very handsome guy, wearing a tie...and a big, shiny smile..

so, maybe not literally this guy ^...but this is the image that my brain registered....and i liked it.

fast forward one week...

it was another lovely afternoon on the psychotic unit....(let's all shake our heads together now..)

and around the corner walks my future husband...(duh)..he walks straight up to me, sticks out his hand and introduces himself. (See now, this seems like a normal thing for adults to do, but I am not normal, therefore; I am more accustomed to being a few cocktails deep before mustering up the liquid courage to bat eyelashes and make small talk...) either way..it happened..and again..i liked it.

So, being the creep I am, I go on facebook that night (damn you, facebook) find the guy...and ask him to be my friend..... who does this? ME...I do this. Well, he accepts, and sends me a message (!!!!)

 it was as magical as winning the golden ticket to willy wonka's chocolate factory...

We eventually exchange phone numbers and begin doing the ultimate DO NOT DO before the first date....TEXT ALL DAY EVERY DAY!!

( listen here lady friends, i may know nothing about dating...i may be single forever....but i do know that texting all of your stuff before going out with a guy is a recipe for failure...
why?!?! why you ask?? because what fun is it to meet for a date when you already know everything about someone...sure it makes you feel more relaxed...sure..you like the fact that y'all have been text flirting and you've successfully stalked his entire facebook profile and any potential ex's and his mom's facebook too...but unfortunately doing that gives you a false perception of closeness...And this here false perception will then lead to the next DO NOT DO....have sex on the first date!! Just don't do it....do not text more than absolutely necessary. Do not tell him about your day and your breakfast and what your cat said to you that made you laugh...he doesn't need to know all of that yet...because he is a stranger. so, slow dowwwn...)

we make plans to go out for dinner and drinks on friday night and, suprisingly, the date goes seamlessly perfect. we laugh the entire time over dinner, realize we have a thing or two in common, make out. It was great...I left feeling even more giddy than before.

the next week he asks me to go out with him and some of his friends for a few drinks..this is huge. meeting a guy's friends is the best indicator of what this guy is all about...and let me tell you now...i learned a lot about what this guy is all about.

I walk into the bar where a group of 8 or so people (guys and girls) are hanging out on a patio. Immediately i can feel the awkward tension and the uncomfortable feeling of eight pairs of eyes staring at me...worst feeling ever.

He begins introducing people to me and going around the table informing me of who is who.."that's so and so and his girlfriend, and this is blah blah and his fiance and that...well that is the girl i've had a really big crush on, I used to like her a lot...." and i'm all like...

 

 i mean seriously....(red flag again!)...uncomfortable...but I just go with it...drink my beer...smile...

THEN...his friend looks at me and says "did you know that <redacted> lost his virginity 3 weeks ago?"

eeeeeerrrrrrrrrrrr.........everyone at the table, including my date, start laughing and not a single person feels that it is necessary to go on and explain anything...

(if i could go back and redo this scenario I would have left..not because home boy was just called out on maybe or maybe not losing his virginity 3 weeks ago, but because I was sitting at a table with a bunch of people who I don't know who were laughing at me basically and no one, most importantly the guy, felt the need to include me. but you know what, i didn't do that...because i am polite...and possibly stupid.)

we eventyally go back to his place with a few friends and the moment i get him alone i ask him about that comment. "oh well my friends were just giving me shit for loosing my virginity a year and a half ago.." (i literally felt my stomach drop...A YEAR AND A HALF AGO...wow! impressive..unusual...i must find out more information..)

"oohh wow...so wait, how many people have you slept with?" (why oh why did this question come out of my mouth....)

"you were 11"  (ELEVEN!!!!!!!!! ELEVEN!!!!!!!!! IN A YEAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!????)

"eleven....wow.."

"well, i didn't say i was proud of it...they were all drunk one night stands...they were cute and wanted to"

(go ahead and re-read that last sentence....read it again...and take a moment of silence to digest what this guy said to me....they were drunk and wanted to? wow...)

the conversation goes on and he begins to pick me apart (obviously a defense mechanism because i just called him out on being a slutty virgin with wish-washy morals....and i am awesome so i don't know how we could find anything bad to say about me...)

He mentions to me that the week before my bra and panties didn't match, then he discovers that I have tattoos and goes on to say "what does it say..insert here?"...he puts down my major claiming that it is easy which is why i am able to get an A, and then he says oh and i noticed that your car smells like smoke...(granted, this all was said over a course of a conversation...not just blatant put-down after put-down)

ha. ha. ha.

my insides literally hurt. my ego hurt. my feelings hurt. my awesome dream-land fantasy of our future together was shattered....it was a bad, bad feeling. I knew then that this wasn't going to go anywhere. How could it? He was shallow and mean..and I had already invested feelings and hopes...such an amateur move.  I left in shock, I remained in shock for quite some time...I told, and re-told the story to as many girlfriends that would listen. I declared that I would never go on another date again...but I got over that...and with any and all situations you have to find the silver-lining...how else will we single girls make it out alive?

so with that fluff...

What I took away from this experience is that:

A. you shouldn't text and facebook stalk a guy before a first date
B. you shouldn't get physical on the first date
C. you shouldn't have day dreams of grocery shopping and picking out wedding registry loot from william and sonoma with a guy you don't have a relationship with yet
D. someone needs to inform guys that us busy woman don't always have the time to match our bra and panties (seriously?!)
E. don't ever, ever, under any circumstances hang out with a guy who puts you down, judges you, and makes you feel sad about who you are..ever.


-Riss