So let's get started
( I have a lot to tell y'all and I haven't decided yet if I should break it up into sepearte posts or just one....be patient.. )
Last Sunday night, I caved and signed up for match dot com. (insert scared face here)
Seriously, friends, let's hold hands and get real for a second.... dim the lights...cue the organ..wave the incense...that is scary and weird...and I know you are nodding your head in agreement right now...but open your hearts and minds, ask your friend Jesus(or whoever..Santa Claus) to send me some of that holy magic....and strap on your seat belts... because this shit is happening. And I really need y'all at my side while I humiliate myself and poor innocent men all over the world wide web...all together now...AMEN.
(a little motivational speech on a Saturday morning.)
So..just like you...
I have made fun of people who online date since the AOL chat room "a/s/l" days.. ( shut up..you know you did it too) I've always felt that online dating was for losers... who don't know how to be social in real life, so they need the comfort of the computer screen between them and the opposite sex.( or same sex...ain't no shame in your game around these parts! ) So it was momentarily depressing when I entered in my email, password, and created a username...."you are officially an old loser who can't socialize or meet a guy in real life because your an absolute nut case and all that's left out there are freaks and geeks on the interwebs..." see..depressing thoughts.
But all of that sad shit got wiped away the moment that I realized match dot com is a fantastic combination of my two most favorite things.. (no, not cats and rumpleminze)
ONLINE SHOPPING & GUYS!
I repeat....it is a website where you online shop for GUYS. Brilliant!!
___________________________________________________________________________
So, let's rewind....it's Sunday and I'm holding back the tears, and hiding the sharp objects from myself, as I sign up for a mother effing dating website...and the process begins with a series of multiple choice questions about myself. Which, right away is easing my mind because the answer is somewhere on the page..and I only have to do minimal thinking.
i.e: the basics- age, location, seeking "men", in 'x' amount of distance from your location (you can say 20 miles or 6 million miles...depending on how desperate you are...I went with 30..and not because I'm not desperate enough to look for a single man on Pluto, but because I'm not financially responsible enough to afford gas to get me any further than 30 miles. duh.)
Anyways, then it goes into...relationship status (as in divorced, never married, currently separated) have kids? want kids? ethnicity? body type? height? faith? smoke? drink?
(so at this point I'm cruising right along...except for the body type question..because what kind of question is that? the options are like "slender, athletic and toned, about average, and fat ass".....uhh....well...I went with slender...because I wish I was slender so that kinda counts..and I am not clicking the "chubby" option..even though it's true)
Then the questions progress into interests...where you have the option of selecting things such as, Coffee and Conversation, Cooking, Dinning Out, Watching Sports, Wine Tasting...etc etc...then on to sports and exercise....which, get real... I don't do either.... so I just selected the sports and exercise that I think are fun to watch on tv....and that provide for the best looking man candy.
then the question about pets.....oh fuck....(should I go ahead and let all of the potential husbands know ahead of time that I collect cats or do I save that fun little surprise for later?) Yeah, I'll save it for later. Continue on, exercise habits? (HAHA...) Political views..Sign..What I do for fun...Favorite Hot spots..Favorite things..and Last read....(I leave all of these blank because they are not multiple choice and ain't no body got time for that...)
Then match throws me a curve ball... "About Me & Who I'm Looking For..in 200 characters or more" The stupid website doesn't let me skip this portion of the profile so I have to bust out my thinking cap and type some nonsense...
"Looking for a normal guy who is funny and likes animals. Is it too much to ask that you get along with my friends and enjoy drinking beer on a patio outside? Preferably you are educated and can challenge me when I am difficult. I am a nursing student so helping other people is a passion of mine."
Pretty straight forward and simple. I refrained myself from saying things like... "I want you to give me all of your money and do what ever I say while I lay in a bubble bath eating chips and drinking champagne" ...because, ladies, you have to lure the penis in before you can grab it by the balls and make it your bitch...we all know that much.
Moving on,
Match seriously has a question about income.....(y'all know I'm a student, right? I have no income...I eat ramen noodles and stick quarters into fancy machines that spit out hot fries and poptarts....) So..obviously, I didn't answer that question...ain't no way in hell I'm selecting the "less than $25,000" button. um no. But, understand that I will most definitely be judging guys on their income...we can't both be poor...imagine what our dates would consist of...playing outside in the mud followed by coupon clipping? eff. that.
I have to answer appearance questions about height, hair color, eye color, all of the fluff questions...because we humans are shallow, and like for our prey to induce salivation and palpitations..prior to suffering through a conversation and bad jokes.
Then I have to upload pictures... I pick normal pictures where I am not hammered, half naked, smoking, dancing, or fat. And ta-da! Profile is complete.
Now the fun part, what I am looking for in a man. So basically now, I get to answer all of the same multiple choice questions, except in reference to the guy. Easy Breezy... The final summary looks like this:
Height: 5'10-6'3
Age: 26-32
Body Type: About Average, Athletic and toned (lol)
Eyes: No preference
Hair: Black, Light Brown, Dark Brown, Blonde (I lied about the blonde thing....I don't trust a grown ass man with blonde hair....but I felt guilty leaving them and the gingers out)
Smoke: No answer
Drink: Social Drinker, Moderately
Occupation: No answer (read: Doctor, Lawyer, Professional Athlete, Rich)
Income: No answer (y'all know I'm silently judging)
Relationship: Never Married
Have Kids: No
Want Kids: Definitely, Someday, Not Sure
Ethnicity: White/Caucasian (and anyone with an accent)
Faith: No answer (preferably you are not Atheist, in a cult, or Mormon)
Language: English, Spanish, Portuguese, Italian, French (no really, I like a man who I can barely communicate with)
Education: Associates Degree, Bachelors Degree, Graduate Degree, PhD/Post Doctural
So basically, all of that translates to...
I want that, match dot com, I want that.
So now, I am completely done answering questions and it's free-for-all browsing time. But it was late, and I was tired...so I logged off and went to sleep. What I woke up to the next morning was sheer insanity...but that is a story for next time.
....
What I want to do here...is put down my online-dating rules...into words...that y'all can hold me accountable for...there needs to be some structure or else I get weird and wild real fucking quick.
Official
Rules:
1. Be picky, judgmental, and irrational while on match. I do not have the time to waste on men I know off the bat are not my type. Also, if I am not hyper-judgy I could potentially wind up on a date with someone who is not who they said they were....which leads me to Rule #2
2. Do not meet strangers in real life at places that are not public....because you will get AIDS and die.
3. If actually meeting someone in real life, at least 3 friends need to be aware of the location, time, and be communicating with me throughout the date, as well as, post-date to ensure that I am still alive.
4. Before committing to a date, we must exchange phone numbers and text/talk for a few days prior so that I can have a better feel for who he is. (now I'm not saying text all day every day, but a few times so that I can judge a little more)
5. Preferably, I would like to be able to find him on facebook (which I know goes against what I said that other time about not facebook stalking...but this is for pure safety reasons...and only a little for stalking reasons)
6. NO SEX...its sad I need to make this a rule....but yeah. No sex
Which goes along with Rule # 7..
7. No getting hammered on first date (this is going to be really hard for me to follow...so I can only promise not to on date number one)
8. Have money with me on dates so that I can pay for myself, if that needs to be the case. (which, call me old-fashioned...but a guy should pay for a date and not expect sex in return...I don't exchange food for sex...if he wants to show up with a Chanel bag...then maybe we'd have an offer...but until then...buy my beer and shut up about it...just kidding...)
that's all I can come up with....basically I want to try to act like myself as much as possible in the beginning so that I wont have to do much explaining later on..
--any more rules you think are necessary? let me know--
......so stay tuned....the 'here-are-all-of-the-single men' fairy just exploded in my inbox and i will need your help sorting through the good and the bad...and I promise you....there have been both.
Also, I have a date planned for Thursday...this should be good
-Riss
No comments:
Post a Comment